Housewives vs. Strippers part 2

11 01 2008

istock_000000152610_l1.jpgHaving spent a few years as a housewife, I feel as if it is my duty to compare the similarities and differences of housewives and strippers.

1. Housewives dress up to go out for dinner (sometimes)

Strippers dress down to go out to dinner so that their shoes don’t get stuck in dessert

2. Housewives get a baby sitter for their children

Strippers get a sitter for their boyfriends

3. Housewives complain about house work

Stripppers complain about home work

4. Housewives like to work at home, Strippers never like to let work know where they live

5.Sexy housewives shop at Victoria Secret

Smart sexy Strippers save all of their gift certificates for Victoria Secrets for the Valentine Day Collection because that is time of the year for shopping at Victoria Secrets!





Stay in the Kitchen #1

13 09 2007

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Over heard with a rock glass of Gin…

American men like women who think about cooking and if she is actually good at it, He adores her!

How powerful is a home cooked meal?

Men who cook are handsome to me. This goes both ways. Women who understand the bond that a man has with satisfied stomach get further with less argument. Children that are trained to eat at home will eventually prefer Mom’s cooking to going out.

Food preparation takes time, research and practice. So many people discount this in our hustle and bustle society. Fast food is so much more convenient when you are exhausted from being on the go. Aside from that many ladies think that they are being glamorous by taking the kids out all the time.

Many showgirls tell me that they never cook. Spending time preparing food and eating around a table together is a great opportunity to share what is going on in each other’s lives.

How can this be accomplished? For starters going out is more expensive. Tally up exactly how much you spend on eating out in one week.

The following week spend at least half of that on groceries instead of going out.

If you have a friend who normally treats you and your children to a meal. Ask him to go to the grocery store with you instead of buying one meal for one night.

Plan your meal before going to the grocery store- grocery store shopping shouldn’t be like shopping for shoes. It should only take 2 stops at most.

Let’s keep it real. Many showgirls are spoiled and not used to going placing alone. I know the struggles. I’m spoiled too. Times are tight, in order not to drop our work standards we need to be smart about the money we manage to hustle up.

Ladies, we are Hot; we don’t feel comfortable out alone. In this case, you should invest in some full coverage sweats that don’t have plugging neck lines so you feel better out shopping alone. Sun glasses help too. If you have a house boy, it’s time to include grocery shopping with you as one of his duties.

So let’s review:

Decide on your budget. It is a nasty word. The word itself implies that the boob job that you got isn’t paying off. Wrong. Money is just tight. Get your head out of the sand. Stop wasting time checking out a new spot- hoping to find a club that doesn’t have a kazillion girls on the floor trying to make a buck. It is slow everywhere.

1.Get one on- the- down -low shopping outfit. Regular gal clothes. You are really going shopping for food not a trick

2.BUDGET. Figure out how much you are spending eating out on Food.

Compare shop at grocery stores. I prefer Whole Foods. Their steaks taste better than Gibson’s Steak House in Chicago. (If you cook it right.) The butchers are very patient. Don’t be afraid to ask questions on how to prepare what you are buying.

3.MEAL PLAN Think Salad, 2 sides, meat or Vegetable Dish with Rice and bread.

Wine, water or juice. I like sparkling water with lime. This sort of thing on top of a table cloth makes it feel like a real restaurant.

If you want left overs double up. Buy 6 potatoes for 2 people. 2 cups of vegetables per person. You will have left overs for lunch.

Starting out takes time but if you shop smart you can have a full kitchen before winter. Next time we will talk about cooking gear such as pots, blenders, coffee grinders etc.





Jism Fact or Fiction

5 09 2007

While having lunch with one of my manly friends, I noticed a huge pile of pineapple chunks on his plate.

Every time he sunk his fork into the sweet, yellow meat, he winked at me.

I said: Gee, you never struck me as a fruity kid of guy.

The manly man sat up straight. His chest inflated as if he had just ducked into a phone booth. A broad smile spread across his face.

The manly man said: You know what they say about men who eat a lot of pineapple?

Mika’s Showgirl School Hint of the day:There comes a time when a smart woman allows a man to answer himself.

I batted my extended eyelashes and said:

No, I don’t know what they say but, the fact that you are about to tell me, makes my butt feel as though the wind has just gone up my skirt.

The manly man leaned back on his chair and with a twinkle in his eyes he announced: They say that pineapple makes a man’s stuuuuuff taste good!

Mystery Mika has never heard of any connection between jism and eating pineapple but this manly man that I had the pleasure of lunching with, swears by it.

What do you think loyal readers and those who swallow?

Fact or Fiction: Pineapple makes a man’s jism taste good.

Please comment loyal students!





Husbands under the Stairs

23 08 2007

RIDDLE: WHO enters from the back door, hangs out in the back of the house with other male neighbors and Sleeps in the basement?

ANSWER: Husbands under the stairs.

From what I hear (over cocktails at work) the back door Under the Stairs Husbandhood begins with a drop in communication lines between a man and a wife. This situation is more often occurring with couples over the age of 35.

Younger couples are finding ways to keep their lines of communication open with texting, emails, blogs etc.

Once upon a time- say 25 years ago, women depended on soap operas to encourage uncomfortable conversations. I remember my mother talking about All My Children’s, Erica Kane latest foils. The big mouth busy body she was talking to would argue or agree with the way that the cunning television vixen handled her multi layered dilemma.

There were many television shows that helped people learn how to talk to one and accept one another differences. Who can forget The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, and Dallas just to name a few. Perhaps that is where the trouble started.

Today instead of Soap Opera chat at the dinner table and around the water cooler- online communities such as SecondLife and WordPress are springing up and offering new ways to spill thoughts, challenges, desires and codes of behavior out into the public arena.

The blog is the ultimate journal. It is free syndication for real people. Once a person gets used to using a blog to document ideas and feelings- the rush is addictive. I wonder if participating in such communities make it any easier for shy people to share with someone standing right in front of them.

How much of what is written and sketched out on line will become an integral part of society? Will bars like Bobby’s add Internet access along with the live lingerie show girls? Such a thing would be cool with me because my blog is like a prop. I could benefit by teaching non users to set up profiles and comment on my articles.

The bottom line is everyday, blue collar men want something glamorous to fill their nights. We all want to live like rock stars. Many men over 35 have been married long enough for the honeymoon to be long over. When a man walks into a Gentleman’s Club he is looking for sexy companionship and entertainment.

The man is looking to forget his social mistakes and behavioral short comings. Many women would argue that it is bad for a husband to spend his personal allowance on decadent sexual gratification. Wives consider watching other women prance around in lingerie as bad as having intercourse. Therefore going to a girlie bar is considered decadent.

Many people are next to impossible to get along with. They are unhappy with themselves and even are hopeless to entertain. That doesn’t stop them for wanting to be with people deep down inside.

I had a husband once who loved my cooking but hated to compliment me on my cooking. I would prepare him a tasty colorful meal and all he could say was that it was ‘passable’. Even though I was very well provided for, after two years we divorced because my miserable shield could not hold up to his negativity. If we had had a basement, he probably would have been living in it.

For some reason, we sometimes have the most difficulty really talking to those people who are the closest to us. We become comfortable financially and guilty spiritually. Fear starts to control what we do not say. Silence becomes better than arguing. Couples begin to try to stay out of each others way- coexisting for the sake of the children.

A smile, a joke and someone pretty to serve a beer goes a long way. After all it is lonesome living in solitude under the stairs.





Pancakes and Porn

22 08 2007

It’s harder and harder out here for a pimp! In Grand Rapids the billboard for the XXXChurch.com is attracting more and more media coverage. It is the absolute perfect gimmick to capture the interest of men with money who want to be publicly humiliated for their short skirt, little thong, big titty appetite.

So many men would rather be voyeurs over their computers than tricks in an alley way. Well maybe they are tricking off just as much by reading, watching and talking about the fact that they like to read and watch porn.

The set up is perfect, the Dominatrix is being replaced by this Gross Minister who I bet can tell the naughty boys all that will happen in this world and the next if they continue on the road that they are on- digesting porn.

I wonder what sort of donations he is getting?

Well I say to the Housewives and Girlfriends offer up your own Porn and Pancake breakfast!

Men love to eat almost as much as they love to F*****k

Dress up for breakfast with your man and let him design his meal.

What can they say to that?

I find that my man mellows over a good home cooked meal.

Comfort food may not move along the colon very fast but it does make a man feel loved and special. Mix that in with a French maid outfit and well all that is left is to pump up the Volume.

Let’s review:

Pancakes – in this case Aunt Jemimah will do, the fluffier the better.

Smile, Nod Yes. Don’t use mealtime to complain and nag.

Now Housewives and Girlfriends you are off to a great start to acting like a Stripper for your man!

ahhhhhh Hell I need to go paint something Naughty. 





Nipples for Tots vs. Titty for Man

3 08 2007

There is a reason why I’ve spent half of my adult life in a strip bar. The club is not the real world. In the real world men can’t make up their mind what on earth they want women to do.

In the club the duties are simple: Shake, Rattle and Roll! Come one come all to the T and A show. It is a mindless party.

In the real world things are a lot different. In the real world I’ve been having babies for 15 years and I would not been able to nurture and breastfed them if I worked a regular 9-5 job. Breastfeeding is just too consuming. Breastfeeding is a true labor of LOVE.

Thursday morning, on NBC’s Today Show, Meredith Vieria interviewed Dr. Nancy Snyderman. They spoke of the recent (Tuesday) announcement by New York City Health officials- the government has banned the use and promotion of baby formula in city hospitals.

This means that women of color, women who don’t have support systems, women who deliver in New York City hospitals don’t have a choice whether to bottle fed or nurse their babies!

I am an advocate of breastfeeding children. I nursed both of my sons for 2 solid years each and am presently nursing my almost 8 month old daughter- but I find this decision absurd.

Women should be given the right to choose between formula or breast even though breast milk is best.

The government should not force a new mother to breastfed.

Breastfeeding is an process that needs education and support to be done successfully. My mother breastfed my siblings. I watched her do it. I was blessed to have a lay midwife five months into my first pregnancy that educated me on what exactly to expect from breastfeeding. It was a one on one deal and I had her home phone number.

Last of all, I don’t stand for a jealous man telling me what, when, where or how to nurse my baby.

Oh yeah, husbands and boyfriends get jealous of new babies and they be wanting some of that milk too. Don’t think I haven’t woke up to find a baby on one titty and a daddy on the other!

It takes a certain type of broad to say: ‘ Hold up, partner, You better call Tyrone cuz that ain’t going on or have a little taste and beat it!’

Some Sisters know what I’m talking about, but all these young girls don’t have that schooling. So now the government is telling these young mothers that they don’t have a choice.

Lay midwives are illegal in most states. La Leche League offers some guidance but do they have the members to support every woman giving birth in New York?

Only recently did women gain the right to breastfed in public without scrutiny. People still look at me uncomfortably when I pop the tit in my daughters mouth at a restaurant. Now all the sudden breastfeeding is it in New York?

Hold on just a cotton picking minute! I would like to know how much education is going to be given to these new mothers. Mothers are no longer allowed a 5 day stay in a hospital after giving birth.

Most women don’t get the real milk in their breasts for 48-72 hours after giving birth. Nothing that is said to a woman in a quick hospital room visit can prepare her for the discomfort of engorgement when she gets home.

What if the woman has other small dependent children at home with only herself to care for them. What if she had them before the ban and gave all of them the bottle?

What about postpartum depression added to the pressure of having to breastfed? Stressed out women don’t make a lot of milk.

The labor of love part comes in for the woman who wants to breastfed and enjoys the bonding of breastfeeding and is prepared for the ups, downs and cracked nipples.

What about the babies that have trouble latching on? This trouble latching on can last for days. What if the baby is a lazy nurser? How long does it take for a baby to dehydrate?

What about the mother’s health and her level of hydration and nutrition.

I was served coffee in the hospital by the hospital cafeteria after giving birth the third time. Obviously I didn’t drink it or eat any of the hospital food. My friends brought me in raw, green vegetables and fresh green juices to drink.

Are the new mothers being taught the signs of dehydration?

Is the hospital just going to tell the mother to come back in if she becomes constipated. It happened to me the second go round because I was eating so much oatmeal. I would love to read this new take home package that goes along with this ban on bottles.

What about feeding times for babies? Are these health officials educating women on optional feeding schedules? For example, feeding on demand versus putting the baby on a schedule. I feed on demand.

How does the government think that they can step in and cover all this material? It is different for each woman.

I’m a stripper- I feel perfectly comfortable popping my titties out anytime or anyplace. I’ll do it for a dollar and I’ll do it when my babies are hungry. I’m completely shameless but I am in business because most women are afraid to use their titties for anything including feeding their babies.

The titty has been banned and misconstrued for so long a woman generally doesn’t like the idea of babies sucking on their nipples. I think that some women think that titties are for their men to have and to hold.

I remember being told a story of woman back in the olden days who wanted to breastfed but she given tablets to dry up their milk in the hospital without their knowledge.

What are we womenfolk?

At least when I am climbing a pole Shaking, Rattling and Rolling I’m getting tipped to be a robot.

Go to http://www.cafepress.com/mysterymika101

for original pregnancy Mystery Mika items. You will be surprised what your eyes will find there!





Stay Wet, Open Wide

31 07 2007

open-wide.jpg90 degrees and climbing. How fit are you? It’s not easy to mount a bucking buffalo. Men admire women who are health conscious. Try this Naughty Nurse Mika vegan, smoothie recipe a perfect sizzler treat for the kitten in you and Tiger in him.

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These ingredients can be found at Whole Foods Market.

8 ounces of Vanilla Rice Dream Milk

10 ounces of frozen organic blueberries (365 Brand)

2 organic bananas

1/3 cup of grade B maple syrup

Blend in Blender with 6 ice cubes until smooth.

Remember nothing should take the place of good old fashion water. So bottoms up before you mo that bush.





Smell like a Goddess

26 07 2007

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Sweet Raspberries and Peaches taste heavenly when eaten off of a woman’s thigh. Play around with this wholesome recipe by Naughty Nurse Mika on your patio with your favorite guy.

All of the ingredients can be found at Whole Foods Market.

10 ounces of Vanilla Hemp Bliss Milk by Manitoba Harvest

3/4 cup of frozen raspberries (365 Brand)

8 ounces of frozen peaches (365 Brand)

1/3 cup of grade B maple syrup

Blend for 3 minutes in Blender or until peaches are overcome by exotic blush of raspberries and hemp milk, personally I would aim to get the color as close to my inner labia lips as possible.

let potion sit for about 5 minutes and blend until it is creamy

Serve in Crystal while it is cold, fresh and slow

Makes 3 servings, 2 to drink and one to pour someplace sexy!

You can always make more.

Hemp Bliss has a nutty flavor because hemp is nutty tasting but it is nut free. This product is lactose free, soy free, cholesterol free, gluten free and preservative free.

This is a vegan recipe. I’ve noticed that when I eat these sort of things my body gets complimented for smelling very attractive.

Men say I smell like I eat flowers. Try it Ladies.

Unfortunately the results take time. You don’t come up roses over night. Seek help from a dietitian to help you achieve the best menu plan for your particular body type.

Until then, keep reading and be on the look out for more recipes from Naughty Nurse Mika!

Pour on my Smoothies all Summer. Please Please Tip me under donations if you and your love enjoy the new beverage.

Men prefer women that taste and smell healthy and natural from the inside more than those who zap themselves with spray to cover up BO.





Crisis: Guys can’t get off, women can’t get paid!

21 07 2007

My ear is always to the grindstone, this morning I got a 900 call from a gentleman who just wanted to tell Mika about his $370 lost last night in a 24hr. massage parlor. He sounded as if his feelings were hurt from having his nut was stuck in his throat. Let’s call him Louie.

Sad Sap Louie: Mika, I can’t tell my boys, this will be something that I’ll keep secret for about a year before I tell anybody unless I tell you.

Sex has become so complicated by disease and the economy that all that action of the 90’s has died off. It only takes me a minute, to recognize the voice of a man who needs some lovin’.

Mika: alright honey, Momma is listening… what happen?

Sad Sap Louie: All I was trying to do was give my wife a break, I’ve been married for 20 years and I would like to be married for 20 more. She has been out performing herself lately working crazy hours, but I’m still horny so I went to a roadside massage parlor way, way out there in Who Knows Who County. I thought that I could find myself a little piece.

Weelll. I kept hoping and giving the girl a little bit more money and a little bit mo money. By the time I was out of cash all she had done was take off her clothes and rub some stinky baby oil all over me. She told me that I could release myself.

Mika: That’s sounds about right, a lot of those roadside joints are one hit wonders. There are probably some places tucked away that only truckers know about. Most are a set up. They aren’t interested in repeat business. They are looking for drive bys.

All the women are probably a mix of locals and foreigners. They don’t know you or where they are at. They may even be kidnapped.
Sad Sap Louie: You mean to tell me that for $370 a man can’t be sure to get a little fun

Mika : not unless you know somebody that works in a place that does all that jazz. Ain’t nobody got time to be catching diseases or going to jail besides all the money ain’t going to the girl.

She is being watched on camera, they see every dime you give her and everything you do. Guys that go there like to be teased and watched. Some of them probably don’t mind touching themselves with a camera on them. The ladies enjoy the security and that’s why they give over half of what they make to the house.

Sad Sap Louie: Oh. I wish that I would have known. I really wanted to get laid. Now I’ve spent all my play money and the month ain’t over yet.

All I wanted was a little party. My wife is done with me for the month too. I can’t afford to spend 1000 dollars on some outside stuff. My wife  already took that money.

Mika: Having sex is expensive. The need to have sex is worrisome.

Sad Sap Louie: Yes Mika, you know, I need to work 25 extra hours on my job to afford getting laid on the side once a month. My wife works, she ain’t got the time to be bothered with my needs every day.

Mika: You the kind of man that wants it everyday? Men don’t realize that having sex is traumatic for a woman’s body. Look at all these $25 dollar hoes out here. They are burnt up and they have gone numb.

Sad Sap Louie: I want it 3 times a day.

Mika: well next month buy up 30 pair of my boxer shorts  from my http://www.cafepress.com/mysterymika101 online shop.

Call me back and I will talk you through as to what to do next.

Who knows what crazy things you won’t mind doing to yourself once your buns are warmed by the glow from my sail boat action!





Does God Allow Tush?

20 07 2007

1:02 am. It’s been a long night of shaking my ass. 6 hours is a long time to gyrate and grind in 5 inch stilettos. Once my Ducati gym shoes replaced the red, patent leather platforms, my insides felt drained. Coming down to earth ain’t easy after strutting so high!

Honestly I felt more like I just got off of a boat tonight than when I got off the sail boat yesterday. The earth seemed to be still rocking under my heels. So I stumble like a drunk as I get out of my car and struggle to say good evening to the ladies chatting on the porch.

‘So you made it another round?’ says Geraldine. Her voice is raspy. She leans forward on big boned fore arms as solid as my legs.

‘Yes mam, thank God. I wish that I could just stay home and paint and not need to go in but I ain’t tapped into the money online like that yet, ‘ I add.

I’m surprised of that, seems like you always working and runnin’, said Geraldine.

‘ What do you paint? What’s your website?’

Now I didn’t recognize the third lady who was sitting on my porch visiting with my neighbors asking me questions so close to midnight. But I did recognize the question as trouble.

Trouble because I’m not a good liar. I’m not interested in learning how to lie. I like storytelling for entertainment but that’s different.

The sensible voice in my head closed her eyes and urged me (for my own good) to keep my response simple.

‘ I paint people.’

I said it with an edge of curiosity on purpose not intentionally. What I mean to say is that I really didn’t want any trouble but then who is she to me? After all she hadn’t even given me her name and she was on my porch!

It would be polite to introduce oneself before asking a bunch of questions even on the west side of Chicago.

It just so happened that I was wearing one of my pink t shirts that I had ironed on 3×3 copies of my paintings for last years Around the Coyote Arts Festival.

I leaned forward to show Geraldine.

Geraldine laughed a throaty laugh that matched her raspy voice, ‘ ahhhhhhh, she showing her tush!’

Geraldine threw her head back.

Uuugh, I don’t wear tush, said the unknown visitor.

‘Don’t worry my ladies have religion,’ I chirped.

‘ Not my Religion, NOT My Religion, she repeated herself firmly.

We don’t show our tush… her voice trailed off into the breeze.

Well they are good girls and I don’t make them up, I said.

I can’t say why I bothered with that woman. I couldn’t care less what she thinks. Our little waltz on the porch reminded me of the play The Color Purple which I saw this pass Sunday evening.

The house at the Cadillac Theater was full of Black women. It had to be about 90% well dressed Black women. Young Black women accompanied their Mothers, Aunts, Grandmothers and Daughters to the play.

The musical numbers were poems of love for the unwaivering family commitment that Black women have endured over the decades.

The play wrapped a ribbon of hope around the journey of the African American woman. It put to music and dance our climb to victory. Victory meaning learning to accept ourselves, love ourselves and value ourselves regardless of circumstance. The VICTORY was that we continued to Care.

Every type of Black woman was represented in the play. Celie and Shug kiss. Sofia big boned- don’t take any lip off of anybody. Shug well, she’s like me, a juk joint gal. Only I can’t sing. I paint and write…  there is  even 3 busy bodies always nosing around

I’ve read other reviews online. One critic complained that the play moved too fast and that they didn’t have enough time to get to know the characters. That’s a bunch of horse shit.

Or, maybe I didn’t need to get to know the characters because I already own a piece of most of them. For me it was just a pleasure to see characters like myself on the big stage and singing.

Somehow I felt understood to have such a play so well attended. Go see The Color Purple ladies!

God Bless, Sleep with the Angels our Faith will get us through

Thanks for Reading

Mika loves You!








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