Lick My Porno Cookie Vagina!

27 01 2008


Hiya Cadettes,

Day 2 of walking with the Porno Cookie Goodie Tray went very well. When I say well I mean the girls had fun and the guys had fun watching the girls have fun.

The biggest hit was the cookies shaped like Vaginae. I formed fat vaginae, wide open vaginae, big clit vaginae and floppy lip vaginae.

Blooming artistically with vagina sculpture, I will revisit Georgia O’keefe and study how that painter made eloquent creases and folds.

Even men who are horned out often refer to a pussy as a flower.

Some flowering vagina cookies will be nude for those that request that I not roll their porno cookie in powdered sugar.

The best thing about the Goodie Tray is that it speaks for itself.

The delicate, crispy, miniature, organic shapes assist the ladies who have a difficult time starting a conversation.

All the lady needs to do is grab a cookie and start licking. The flicking of the tongue is intuitive.

I noticed that each dancer had a unique lick pace-I assumed that she was licking my cookie at the speed that she liked to be stroked for pleasure.

The entire experience made a snowy afternoon more intriguing…

until we ran out of Vagina Cookies

The Cock and Ball Cookies were not as much fun.

Perhaps the men should lick those?
For now, it seems as though I’ve found a G spot.

Momma has finally figured out how to get the naughty dancers to do some real performance.

The new Mika Vagina dialogue was like sketchy word jazz. Only the vets knew exactly how and when to stop licking and add robust words that grabbed the customer’s imagination.

One girl exclaimed: I ate cooochie today for the first time!

A guy sitting on a bar stool said with a genuine grin : And we all watched!

The club atmosphere is better for everyone when the ladies put their creativity to use to express themselves sexually.

It is a team effort. Now buy a t shirt so that I can get some more Sugar to lightly dust my fat vagina cookie. If you purchase 5 items from the store leave your comment with this post and I will contact you and send you an autographed print of the above line drawing for FREE!

Click here to see what naughty things are in my store… ah here’s something fun from Soul Sacrifice

Pawing Strippers

17 12 2007


After licking my wounds from yet another Internet censorship- Mystery Mika is up for the challenge of discussing a deep, throbbing Stripper Issue- TOUCHING.

Women who don’t dance wonder with goose bumps how we do it- that is how do we ‘bed dance’, ‘wall dance’, ‘lap dance’, ‘pole dance’ for men we hardly know in front of other people we hardly know.

Some married women don’t even feel comfortable with their husbands touching them- which doesn’t mean that they would make horrible strippers.

The defining protective bubble is all in your mind. The one thing about dancing is that if you don’t like how one guy is treating you- in most cases you may be able to excuse yourself and wait until a gentleman that suits you walks through the door.

First let’s laugh out loud at how the paw laws vary from state to state. For those of us who actually move around, it can become very confusing trying to remember what is allowed when and where.

The object on the game from the dancer’s perspective is to make our customers as happy with us as possible thereby earning the most tips available without going insane.

It is one thing to put ourselves on display and yet another to get touched all over.

#1.Get into Character distancing yourself from your Stripper Within

#2. Stay in Character all night- this is called performance

#3. Remember that the role you play at work in the club is not you.

I do not recommend drugs and alcohol- if you need to be drunk in order to dance then you are in the WRONG business.

Getting into character means bringing in a new ego with a different set of boundaries- Real actresses do it every time they get in front of the camera. It is the same thing for stripping. Except for the HOT leading man part, of course.

So Now that you are in the club and have on your costume you are ‘Patty the Entertainer’ not Sue the girl next door. You must believe it and be able to walk in and out of it at will- not someone else’s will. You must have full control of your mind and body. You must stick to your designed boundary laws no matter how much you want to make money.

If it is your first time in a particular club, it is a good idea to watch the floor and stage as the other women work the crowd. Watch what is being done, and pay attention to the rules that are actually followed. Decide from jump street what your comfort range is. Realize that some days are not going to end with walking out the door with cash because you don’t lower your standards.

Early in my career I devised a way around getting touched because it gets annoying when men who don’t know what the hell they are doing try to ‘help’ you out by touching within the erogenous zone.

Let me say this- women don’t need help getting off, most of us don’t go to work hoping to get off nor do we want dirty little fingers in our pussies. It is not helpful and I’d rather be walking my dogs.

Men fantasize that women like being touched to make themselves feel better for touching.

I don’t mind touching by wall dancing and lap dancing as much as I mind getting touched.

Mika is famous for rendering men helpless by beating them at their own game. I have formulated a chair massage that is for entertainment purposes only- my rub relaxes men.

The human body has various pressure points. Most men have sore joints and tight neglected muscles from working hard or sitting all day.

Naughty Nurse Mika addresses these male stress points so well that men crave it, return for it and are too busy getting it to worry about touching me.

Thank God.

Thank God I have found something to offer to keep ’em satisfied and coming back.

I took 250 hours of massage therapy classes 15 years ago and used to be a Nurse Technician before Sarcoidosis hit me. I am familiar with human anatomy and scope of practice.

I keep my chair rub down simple and fun. Nothing fancy or therapeutic.

When a man comes into a strip bar- he’s looking for quality company. The best way to give him that is not by allowing him to grab and grope but to ease his mind.

Think about that Cadettes.

Fear Itself

18 10 2007

In the list of common fears, the fear of sexuality is a choking and paralyzing pain in the ass. Sex is scarier than the need to rename the 13th floor which is ‘missing’ in many hotels thanks to

Triskaidekaphobia (the fear of the number 13) which goes something like this- if you have 13 letters in your name, you will have¬† the devil’s luck or

if 13 people sit down for dinner together all will die within the year.  

Whether or not you are superstitious, fear can be responsible for some heart palpitations and some outbreak of hives. Some people are afraid of public speaking, getting fat, insects and going to the dentist. Others nearly pass out just by being in the dark or in a crowd.

Horror is something that popular culture seems to love to hate.

Le Manoir du Diable was our first hint of a vampire, spine creeping, horror film. It was directed by Georges Melies in 1896 and only ran 2 minutes but the fascination with being frightened to death has gained a life of its own.

People are afraid of all sorts of things: fears of failure, success, being judged, emotional pain, abandonment and rejection.

Hollywood has been making an avalanche of money off of fear.

The greatest, scariest movie moments was complied in October 2004 by Bravo. Here is a short list from

Bambi 1942- the scene where off camera Man kills Bambi’s mother. I was scarred for life by the shot fired.

Audition 1999, Jp

American Werewolf in London– the scene where he transforms into a werewolf

Army of Darkness 1972, Altered States 1980, Alien 1979, Battleship Potemkin 1925 USSR- scene where baby in carriage slips down staircase- later 1987 The Untouchables did it again!

I find those scenes to be absolutely dreadful. Once the seed is planted, I am constantly terrorized. I imagine losing my grip whenever strangers offers to help me descend stairs with my stroller.

Here’s a few more: The Birds 1963, The Black Cat 1934, The Brood 1979 ahh the list goes on. The movies are available for sale at that web address- they don’t give me any money so scroll up!

All I care about is making another Mika observation handy to all of my Cadettes.

If you are a stripper and you call yourself entertaining then you will make more money having something to talk about. More people will be interested in you and enjoy your company if you offer real entertainment. Real entertainment is deeper than juking.

ahh that sounds really bad.

If you don’t know anything take some time to learn some trivia. This a tried and true vet stripper trick and treat. Pick a subject ANY subject. Research the hell out of it. Search the Internet for Facts and Fiction related to that subject. Write each fact down and learn it. Practice throwing it around in conversation. Have your customers guess what is true or false. Watch their faces light up. Suddenly you are tons of fun and stand out from all the other dancers who just walk up and say: hi, you want a dance?

On a lighter note, my vampire story is collecting dust. I feel like I need to hurry and give it to the world before people are no longer captivated or alarmed by the madness that unsettles my heroine.

What terror of the unknown scratches at your vulnerabilities? How do you use Halloween to play the game of trick or treat?

Notoriously Halloween is a bad day to work in a strip bar unless the club is hosting a big costume bash- it s difficult to draw in a crowd. Most people are busy attending private parties, work parties, or taking their children on decorated neighborhoods tours.

Hopefully I’ll pull it together in time to post my little vampire story- this post was suppose to set the stage for a spooky story instead I started preaching… again
Please hold tight. Something horrific is in the works.

I feel a stiffness in my neck. I woke up exhausted as if I’d been out all night. Food is uninteresting to me… and the simple light from the computer screens burns my eyeball.

Why Housewives Go blahhhh in Blue Light Hotels

30 09 2007

Dumbfounded on a bar stool in a dim corner sat Burt. He loves olives, rap music and pretty girls. Burt is 55 and boasts about how much he hates being white and middle age. He comes to the strip bar and leaves alone every other Tuesday night. He will only to talk to the new dancer of the week. Burt is generous as long as you keep his olive glass full of spicy hot foreplay talk.

Burt’s broad chest was like a boey dancing on and obeying invisible waves. Without a capital S underneath the plaid shirt, the tiny squares might as well have been painted on. His pale jaw was out of place lip syncing the words…


They call me SUPERMAN I know what you wanna hear I’m here to save you Girl COME be in Shady’s World I wanna grow with you

The Bar was his hero’s telephone booth. Once inside he could pull the strings and sound the alarm. The fire pole was going to be climbed to mesmerize him. He loved it. He cleared his schedule for his Tuesday night out and brought many crisp singles.

After the first time I got a nice tip from, I asked other ladies that had sat with him what was his deal. They quickly informed me that he only like the ‘new girls’.

You only get lucky with that one once, Mika. One vet giggled.

If I were going to get another round in, I would need to have help and to plan every detail carefully. Everyone involved would need to be tipped for their time and effort. I decided that I would sit with him again. The big question was exactly how new did one need to be.

Was his sense of freshness measured by hair color, accent, race, height, weight, scent, breast size, rump roast or ability to stay optimistic? It was Any-body’s guess because no one could remember being invited to sit with him more than once.

I made up my mind to get another round. It is not that he was so charming that I went to bed reminiscing about his dashing presence- no, I was just curious. I love playing dress up and putting on a the Ritz. Making money just doing that right is a blast. It is basically what Showgirls want from every exchange.

I’m so cute- adore me, tip me big Spender
An hour next door to his mind promised a certain insight to a man’s desires.

Your entertainment brings me the most joy- tip me

He was non-confrontational and easy to talk to even though he bobbed his head to some hardcore rap. In between mouthing the raw lyrics, he did ask personal stuff like, what side of town I was from, where I’d danced before, what turned me on, if I had any pets, what my favorite food was etc. It didn’t bother me. The chore of making up and learning a new script for another session didn’t bother me either.

I’m your Genie- try to Pop my cork

It’s no secret, I get wet when I see the almighty dollar. Twenties are even better.

He also contributed $20 to the music but wanted me to pick the songs. (This was the hardest angle to figure out. $20 is a lot of songs even if you pick ones that have never been downloaded)

Finally some one rescued me by yelling: Mika stand away from the jute box!

Spend a little more time with me

The following Tuesday, my show bag was packed for a good time, I wore a curly wig and a different shade of lipstick and higher shoe. I wrote down 20 songs and stuck the cheat sheet into my stocking. My goal was to have a different routine than the previous week. Everyone adjusts their gait in higher shoes. I was banking on all black girls looking alike to him.

According to my research the top hip hop rap songs and Artists for October 2007 are as follows- This took a while because I really can’t stand Eminem so I ignored all of his songs on the DJ charts. I lined up the following songs to play for Burt’s visit. This was really new for me:

1. Kiss Kiss – Chris Brown featuring T- Pain

2. We On- GemStones (a.k.a Gemini) ft. Lupe Fiasco and Pooh Bear

3. Hypnotized – Plies ft. Akon

4.When I Roll Up- Attitude

5. Good Life- Kanye West ft. T- Pain

6. Like Money- Three 6 Mafia

7. Lose Yourself- Eminem

7. My Neck, My Back- Khia

8. Air Force One- Nelly

9. Crossroads- Bone Thugs n Harmony

10. In the Club- 50 Cent

11. Fuck the Police- NWA

12. Gin and Juice- Snoop Dogg

13. Dilemma- Nelly

14. Changes- 2 pac

15. Superman- Eminem

15. Gangsters Paradise- Coolio

16. Still Fly- Big Tymers

17. Ruff Ryders Anthem- DMX

18. Wanksta- 50 Cent

19. Cleaning Out My Closet- Eminem

19. Always On Time- Wu tang Clan

20. Roll Out- Ludacris

21. How We Roll- Willie Joe

22. Dress Code- Cocked- N- Locked

23. Regulate- Warren G and Nate Dogg

24. Hit em Up- Tupac Shakur

25. Bottle Popping- Yung Joc

The plan was flawless. Even though Sierra has more of a classic, black girl build- thicker around the ass; men still get us mixed up. So, I asked Sierra to pretend that she was Mika- wearing her hair straight like I’d done my hair the last time I sat with Burt.

Burt always requests that the lady from his previous week introduce him to the new girl. He tips his old lady for walking the new girl over to him.

8 pm was the witching hour. Sierra kept reminding me that I was going to owe her one. The thought of being in her debt didn’t bother me. Maybe I could pay her off with a sweet kiss. The kind that girls know drive men crazy.

Our upcoming performance gave me an excuse to stroke and fuss with her hair and do her make up the way that I want her to wear her eyes all the time.

My soft mascara separated and stretched out her already full lashes and the copper tones made her lids appear to be slanted in the same direction as her nipples. I thought to myself what a shame that she couldn’t strut a nude stage to show off my artistry.

Burt showed up at 8:30pm. Sierra batted her eyes and went up to him first. It was lovely to watch her toss her head and run her fingers through her hair- impersonating all my bimbo, body language. I made a mental note to correct her in the gesture of raking her fingers from underneath of her hair- I always untangle my hair the top.

She introduced me as Michelle.

I acted like it was my first day on the job with my clothes off.

Burt: So how do you like it here, Michelle?

Michelle: It is cold.

Burt: Let’s go for a dance, maybe you will warm up.

Michelle: a dance? I thought you only like to talk.

Burt: well you look so cold, I figured that you would look better with sweat running down your chest. Let’s stop by the juke box and play some music. He handed over a twenty.

My cheat sheet really came in handy. Most of the current top rap hip hop songs were available. I didn’t have to dance to Eminem. I know he’s just an artist trying to make money but I really think his lyrics are driving men to treat women like garbage.

Now I’m thinking I should get a download cheat sheet prepared for each music genre. Instead of girls thinking that I am not on top of the music thing- I’ll always know what is jumping off before anyone else.

HOME STUDY makes you stand out in the CLUB Ladies

Back to Burt.

After my 1 !/2 of dancing and not hearing one Prince Song Burt said: Thanks Mika, You were so much fun.

Michelle: What do you mean? MIKA?

Burt: ahh, I knew that it was you all the time- it seemed as thought you went to so much trouble to keep my interest. I wondered how detailed you would get to convince me that you were someone else.

I wish that my wife would play around like that every once in a while.

Mika: Sometimes it is difficult to forget a day when you live with someone and just be playful.

Burt: My wife just let herself go. She’s fat and grumpy. The only way I would be convinced that she was someone else- is if she was nice to me.

Mika: That’s brutal.

Burt: This one friend said that I should try taking her out to a fancy hotel and send her to a spa. What a waste of money. She wasn’t happy. It is always the same thing with her, the same type of clothes, the same music and the same complaints. She hates rap! She doesn’t even know any rap songs. She doesn’t try to keep up with the world. She’s been old since the day after we got married.

It’s like she wanted somebody to count on in terms of security but doesn’t really love me. I doubt if she ever loved me.

Mika: maybe you do her wrong, maybe you hurt her.

Burt: my cock’s not big enough to hurt anybody

Mika: maybe that’s the problem!

Burt: you are wonderful and so honest.

Mika: I wasn’t so honest when I said my name was Michelle.

Burt: Come on tell me what’s wrong with me, I think you I can trust you.

Mika: I don’t think that there’s enough time for that.

Burt: let’s sit down and really talk…

Mika: cool with me, I don’t have nothing to loose by telling your problems- as I see it I’m ahead- you were only going to sit with me once

Burt: that was before you agreed to tell me why my wife goes about everything so blahhhhh.

Mika: that’s easy, her life doesn’t revolve around change. It is typical. Whatever a person is trained to do- that is what they do.

Does she need to change for any good reason? Did you tell her when your taste in music changed?

Burt: No.

Mika: so, you started venturing out musically and you just play Sinatra at home?

Burt: sort of.

Mika: well that’s what happened, you both changed and tried to convince the other one that you hadn’t out of fear of not being liked for who you were becoming.

Burt: I see your point, and that didn’t take long.

Guess I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Lose the wig and line up a new playlist

Jazz would be a nice change, write it down… make me a copy, if you don’t mind.

Before, I decided to become an engineer- I fantasized about being a music major. I never had enough nerve. My parents would have been heartbroken if I’d said that I was going to be a musician.

Mika: See ya next time Burt- try not to live in the past. It’s never to late. Your homework is to see that movie Wild Hogs with John Travolta.

Burt: I’m a coo coo.

Sweetest Hangover

17 09 2007

Margaret Mead Quote of the Day:

I was brought up to believe that the only thing worth doing was to add to the sum of accurate information in the world

Mystery Mika’s Quote of the Day:

Everyone learns how to get by in the world by what they see, hear and are taught as children. Sometimes the smartest thing a grown up can do is throw all that crap out and start over again.

Margaret Mead is a favorite of Diablo Cody.

Diablo Cody is a favorite of Mystery Mika’s.

What is Mystery Mika doing her on this Blog at this Showgirl School?

Mika: I am talking directly to trapped housewives, wanna be strippers, soon to be strippers, strippers and occasional whores about the so and so business of being an erotic entertainer. Of course, I am hoping for a book deal. But I also have a need to say what is burning on my mind about being a woman. If there is a cure for this, I don’t want it… but I would like to think that my little homework assignments uplift a population that is usually mocked.

I am one of them. If I have done it all, I did it because at the time I didn’t have a choice.

This blog is about finding sensual, marketable options to selling yourself short.

Ah, There You Are!

8 09 2007

There’s no business like Show Business because Show business is a little bit of everything.

Movies are Fairy-tales, Horrific Roller Coaster Rides, Fantasies, Cliff Hangers and Voyages to middle Earth. Each offers the viewer an escape into another place and company in their otherwise solitaire dreams.

Movie actresses need to steer their emotions into the lens of the camera as if their lives depend on it. An actor’s Stage Life relies on how well each role is pulled off. Hours, months and years of practice make an agile voice and trained body which can adapt to any character within a script. Body language helps to deliver who is written across the screen.

Audiences are non forgiving scholars of what feels real. If something unbelievable is happening on the flat screen, the viewer wants their common sense switched to be turned off on the actor’s command. A generous audience gives a movie about 15 minutes to grasp their full attention.

The same formula applies when working in a strip club as an entertainer but, you have less time. As a role playing stripper, you won’t be getting any mail from SAG. Show days worked will either be feast or famine. In this type of war, the best Oscar you can expect will be a Woody.

If you can get your mojo working early on in your shift you may be in for a god day of earning some tips.

Here are some Mystery Mika Strip Bar hints for working with punch.

Remember men can get a drink anywhere.

1. Dress in season. Dark colors and thigh high boots are for winter. Stripper styles don’t change much because fetish gear often runs on a slower loop. Don’t let that keep you looking like the 80’s. Unless you are willing to breathe fresh air into an old style it is dry and boring.

2. Apply your own creativity. The main idea behind being a exotic performer may be to show a little bit of skin. However you can become a bit more exciting if think of your body as a canvas. Try working in a little bit of own flavor and the current styles. Become a work of art by becoming a display of upcoming event, concert that you went to or your favorite flower. Choose a theme and let it rip:

On the streets of New York, the hottest craze last summer was slashing and tying t-shirts.

The style just made it into street gear closets of the Midwest. Practically anything done to make a t-shirt ‘Fun Sexy’ and unique can be done to a bikini fabric, stripper’s tube dress.

Get the razor blades and scissors out and have at it. Practice on an old t-shirt before cutting into a racy dress that you spent $70 on.

Here’s another book to get you on your way: Generation T: 108 ways to transform a t-shirt by Megan Nicolay.

3. Keep your chin up. Never walk around with your eyes on the floor. Eyes down don’t make you look sexy. If there is anyone watching you with malicious intentions- you look like the perfect prey!

In most cases the Predator has been hunting longer than you have been dancing. Don’t attract them by being stupid. Even for a seasoned dancer, they don’t make fun sparring partners. If someone makes you uncomfortable always alert the doorman and the bartender so that other people can keep an eye on him.

If a guy is up to no good. The last thing he wants is to be watched. Most likely he will leave after he realizes that he has been tagged as possible trouble.

An old quote says: there are two types of people in this world, people who walk into a room and say- ‘here I am’ and those who say ‘ah, there you are!’

Entertainers who want to be successful need to know how and when to do either on cue. Both are done with the EYES up!

Trapped in the Closet-Veteran Stripper Speaks

2 09 2007



R. Kelly is not the only artist putting a new spin on the daily grind.

September is here and Mika’s Online Showgirl School is back in session. Enough of that fluffy Summertime stuff- it’s time to make you sweat. I am turning up the heat.

This fall we will exploring:

In LOVE and Family

1. The Art of Hot Kissing, Falling in Love

For Strippers Sacrificing for their children, Mika will share the Home Schooling Survival Guide


2. Hamming it up for the Stage

3. Costume Adornment

4. The Successful Erotic Journal

For Our Health we will exam

5. Our Healthy Breast Goal

6. Slim and trim Kitchen Recipes

7. Flirty Girl Fitness, Chicago

8. Belly Dancing

9. Yoga

In Entertainment

10. Mystery Mika’s Dirty Shame Comic Opera

11. Dog Lore- A Dominatrix Thought Matrix

In Art

Making of Marque Posters- In the Spirit of my favorite Henri Toulouse Lautrec


Mika will continue to play Golf and Sail as long as the weather will allow. Pictures will be posted noting my progress

As always I look forward to serving you as your one and only American Virtual House Mom, please call 900- 787-6642 for private coaching. You must be 18 years of age or older. Calls are 2.99 per minute so have your questions ready.

Money is tight so I’ve decided to talk dirty on the 900 number.

Hey, I aim to please.

Make my day by donating to the School which is for profit, awareness, sanity and better Strippers. At the top of the page you can link to my paypal account. A little support goes a long way. If everyone who enjoys reading supports me with $2 a month- My quality of writing will improve. Perhaps I could add video and podcast. Help me serve you by commenting and donating.

You will remember me all night especially if you drink from one of my cups of Lust found in my fan shop at

Yall cum back now!

Oh, by the way I asked the photographer not to retouch the above photograph because Nothing is perfect in this world, including me.

Let’s open the closet doors ladies.

This Fall I invite you to work on who you are and become better entertainers through the journey.

In the end, you will make more money because being the best you will Give your audience more Bang for the buck.

Sincerely, The Creative Artist in Residence

Chiara Young of Sweet Home Chicago