The Dawn of Valentine or What’s Love got?

14 02 2008

Tonight I gave a drunk girl a ride home. In the dressing room she was crying and bumping her head against the mirror.

My man don’t treat me right. He’s always asking me for money. I’m soooo dumb.’

I thought that maybe if I got her over to my place and gave her a little time to sober up, I could talk some sense into her.

In the end she only wanted to talk to him on the phone.

She offered me $20 dollars to drive her cell phone back over to her house- by accident she dropped it on the floor of my car as she tumbled out.

Can you please, Mika, just look in my phone’s contacts and give me the number under Sweetie daddy. He’s gonna be waiting for my call. I need to call him.

It’s after 2am. I gotta go to bed. Sorry, it will have to wait til morning. Get some sleep. I’ll drop your cell off in the morning.

I  pushed END and tossed her phone into my purse.

Let’s see what Tina Turner has to say about surviving abuse in a relationship.

wait there’s more.

Dressing Unicorns scene 1

15 01 2008


On Saturday morning she remembered her true love worked in a museum and that he was broke. She turned over in her bouncing, mattress bed freeing her feet from under Alfred-the mutt.

Alfred was full and exhausted from helping her raid the refrigerator at 3 am. Last night’s cheap mascara clumped her eyelids together cementing her face to the polyester pillowcase.

Struggling she reached for the telephone to call the babysitter.

HER: Hi, Sara? Good morning.

She attempted to sound pulled even there was a frog Prince stuck in her memory.

“Dramatics don’t take the place of sincerity of alertness, young Lady. The only man that enjoys an actress for a wife is too cheap to afford a Mistress.”

She shook off the scolding that her mother had drummed into her head during High School.

Sara: Morning? It’s 11:30. I expected that you would be here by now. Thought you said you’ll be here at 10am. You sound as if you are just waking up!

Her: Gosh, It’s after 11. I’m called as soon as I realized….

The babysitters’ controlled outrage dragged Her back into the present.

Sara: You know I have plans, I need to get groceries and make dinner for my husband.

Her: No problem, get the kids ready- I’ll be there right away.

Sara: the kids have been waiting and ready since 9:30am for you.

The line went dead. She pulled herself up straight with much resistance from her flesh. With the back of her hand, she whipped the drool from the cracks of her mouth. Along with the crust came the remains of Cherry Berry BlackVamp Lipstick that She wore on stage the night before.

Her: Gee Alfred, do you know where my flat boots are? I better not show up at Sara’s door looking too flashy- she’s already expecting 90 bucks for the overnight childcare.

Will She find some reasonable shoes to wear in broad daylight or will She run out of time and dress like a Hoochie Mama?

Tune in next time for the second episode of Dressing Unicorns. All Intellectual Rights reserved. This is brought to you by Chiara Young aka Mystery Mika for those of you who haven’t caught on by now. I love Soap Operas so much I decided to write my own!

Any Ideas what ‘Her’ name should be ?

Mean Teen Love Wand

29 12 2007

istock_000000235489_l1.jpgEvery one gets their panties in a bunch when Mystery Mika switches into Real health mode including my own 16 year old. So why don’t we all get our heads out of the sand and talk about teen sex.

Recently Twitter’s @QueenofSpain posted Mom Gone Mad and took a flame licking.

It seems some people are upset that Jamie Lynn Spears star of Zoey 101 decided to keep her baby.

Let’s see how it all could have went down. She could have keep her mind focused on work and school – leaving very little time for boys and sex-escapade’s thereby never getting pregnant.

Ms. Spears could have been more careful- made use of spermicide, mega condoms, female condoms and stuffed her mouth with birth control pills once she became sexually active- to avoid a seemly, untimely pregnancy.

Let’s not leave out, that Ms. Spears could have gotten a day after you get fucked up pill from a clinic after she had sloppy sex.

Ms. Spears could have quietly had an abortion under some alias.

With a sister like Britney, the teen could have taken a vacation with a relative in Paris for about a year. Apparently the show Zoey 101 has already been filmed. There were ways to just go have a baby.

When there’s a will there is a way to have a baby without public notice.

Mystery Mika is very suspicious about how this is being handled. I’ve said it before, The Spears need better handlers. It’s like a Girl’s Gone Wild Camp over there.

Nurse Mika is concerned by the stress all of this hoopla may be causing the unborn baby. The kid is going to be born into exile. Teen mother etc. Splattered all over the news.

With that said why do teens have sex? I asked my 16 year old who is home from school for winter break. He declines comment at the moment.

The funny thing is my son has no problem bringing up the subject of drugs. He is shocked by the strange drugs kids he knows have experimented with. He says that he will probably never drink. He’s not in a hurry to get a drivers’ license either.

However when it comes down to sex- he shuts up. His lips are sealed and he won’t even look me in the eye when I ask him questions.

“Are you having s-e-x?”

“Do you know how to put on a condom?”

“What happen between you and that 17 year old girlfriend?”

“Are you gay?”

Sometimes I get a chuckle. Actually I get a lot of chuckles.

Are you laughing at me because I’m desperate to get this conversation going?

“Ma, I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

That’s all I get.

He’s about a foot taller than me. He knows that I am a dancer. I’ve been talking to him about sex, sex predators, safe sex, hormones, marriage, love, dating, having kids, being responsible, drugs, suicide, abnormal behavior, addiction, the armed forces, money, making money, choosing a career, staying healthy and the age of consent since he could ask where babies come from.

Often because of his silence, I’ll panic and say things like:

“whatever you do, don’t grow up and become a slave to your dick. Don’t date girls who need to sneak out of the house. Don’t date girls younger than you. Don’t trust girls to handle the condom. She might be crazy and put a pin hole in it!”

Two years ago he decided to stop eating red meat. He still eats fish because he doesn’t mind fishing but hunting turns his stomach. To me this illustrates him developing a conscious independent of mine. I’m not a vegetarian although I eat tons of vegetables.

I guess he’s a normal kid that is probably sexually active at times- and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

In two years he can be drafted or enlist in the armed service.

My goal as a parent is to launch a whole citizen into the world who will be useful to the world.

Not all parents care about such things. Some parents are drug addicts, emotionally unstable, uninformed, mis informed or just need to work so much outside of the home that they are too miserable and tired to spend time with their children trying to talk about these difficult subjects.

This brings me to the responsibility of schools, television stations, and health officials attempting to provide education aimed towards possibly sexual active teens.

Personally I don’t want any uninformed, horny, lonesome girls going after my boy. He already experienced a girl that was a cutter who wanted to be more than friends. She’s done every drug and wanted my son around to ‘talk to’. Luckily he asked for help in dealing with her.

School programs and television could be a useful tool in bringing up issues that teens don’t want to talk one on one with their parents about.

Every teen knows that mom and dad are going to get upset to hear that they are having sex. Most kids really don’t like disappointing their parents and would like to avoid confrontation.

The school nurse becomes an advocate. Information without Judgement. Saving Lives not souls. Perhaps these agencies and cable hosts won’t get it right in the beginning. Not everybody is going to welcome the change but something needs to be done. There are too many teens running amok.

All of us will need to do a little more growing up to safe guard our youth.

Does Nickelodeon have a Magic Teen Love Wand to zap all their viewers into shape?

Can they come up with a better naughty nurse the me?

How do you talk about sex with your teens without alienating them?

Leave a comment, My Readers want to know.

Striptease Wedding Cupcake

26 10 2007


Hi Mika Showgirl Cadettes, 
It's Betsy here with my butter cream frosted, red velvet, wedding cupcakes!
Yummy delights with cream cheese surprises.
Mika: You had 2 different frostings?
Betsy: In this case- I made it happen.It added to the work load. 
Some of the cupcakes were carrot with cream cheese and others where red velvet
with butter cream.

Betsy continues: When I met with the bride and groom about their wedding cake they
wanted something different.  She knew she wanted red velvet cake but
didn't like traditional wedding cakes.
We agreed cupcakes were the most appropriate for this down-to-earth couple. 
Music is the center piece of the young couples' live together.
The groom is a bass player who plays in a few bands in Chicago.
The whole wedding was filled with music; accapella singers, bass solos,
two bands (Hardscrabble and The Thin Man), a DJ, and much more.  
As the Bride walked down the isle, a duet
was being performed by a stand up bass player and a woman playing a musical Saw.

The Bride wanted to incorporate all of this into the presentation of the cake!
After many sleepless nights, we came up
with the idea of creating a scene surrounding the cupcakes implying
the were "getting busy" nearby and were not to be disturbed.
The whimsical Bride tracked down miniature replicas of their wedding attire;
her gown and the groom's rose colored shirt!Even the groom's boxer shorts and socks!
I positioned the miniature stand up
bass on the top tier of the cupcake tower with a little note reading
"Do Not Disturb!"  and then placed all of the doll clothing about the tower as if 
they had haphazardly taken them off.
The Bride wanted home style cake that reflected the newlywed's sense of
fun and southern roots. 
The theme may also be done beautifully on a traditional cake. People have a hard
time resisting cupcakes because they can take on many forms- from
rustic to classy.  You can dress them up or dress them down to your
liking and before you know it they are all gone!  
I think the important thing to remember is to bring your personal taste to
every aspect of your wedding.Think outside of the box.
I love working with imaginative couples that want to try new things and
aren't afraid of color. I look a wedding cake as a piece of edible
art, it is a blank canvas to paint a picture on .  In the case of the
striptease cupcake I got to "paint" a pretty vivid picture that I know
will be talked about for a long time.
Mika: How long have you been a patisserie chef?
Betsy: About 2 years.
Mika: How long did it take and what school did you attend?
Betsy: I went to the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago.
I was in the 1 year program which includes an internship- I earned a Associates Degree.
Mika: Was it expensive?
Betsy: between 25 and 30 thousand- I'm still making my payments-
I got a student loan. It's not that much of a headache.
Mika: what is in the mix right now?
Betsy: My desserts for Friday October 26 are: Chocolate Chip Bread Pudding,
Aunt Ruby's Apple Slices A La Mode, Pumpkin Cake.
The decadence dreams are being served at Bite Cafe, 1035 North Western Avenue in Chicago.
Brian Ferguson is the Head Chef and I am currently the Pastisserie Chef.
Mika: Yesterday, I enjoyed your Molasses Spice Cake served with a light cream cheese frosting
caramel dripped over the sides. It was crowned with freshly whipped cream.
I squealed for mercy at every single bite.
Betsy, You are the cat's meow.

Betsy is available for your special occasion contact:


Blue is for Boys

26 09 2007

abusive-brother-copy.jpgthis is the letter that is moving around Chi-town courtesy of Mystery Mika and the Professional counselors love it- for all you na sayers !

Remember ladies Presentation is always important- please print on pastel blue paper!

Andre the Giant has a Posse

26 09 2007

Hi, It’s me Mika and I am still on this domestic violence campaign/ kick. The campaign is in response to an incident that occurred on the curb outside my house around noon on Wednesday, September 12th, 2007.

I would rather be mud wrestling Diablo Cody

It is Day 3 of the circulation of my anonymous Hood Memo to an Abusive Brother. This is so scary. I just want the edginess and tension to burn off. I would like to go back to being who I was b4 I saw the neighbor dragging and punching his girlfriend in front of her kids.

My life will never the same but I will only consider myself successful if his life isn’t the same after this week.

I would rather be eating cupcakes

Now I must act like a hummingbird. Each person who receives the Letter is instructed to post it, translate it into another language or otherwise share it- if you can’t see anyway to improve it just leave it as is and pass, pass, pass it on.

I started on Sunday by going to 30 churches. Yesterday I went around to my friends in Humboldt Park. I stopped by Chicago Public radio as well and gave many High School students a copy of the letter.

I asked the young ladies to send it as part of their emails.

Today I went to barber shops, car washes and many street corners and handed out copies of the letter. To date I’ve gone through about 120 copies.

Over the course of the 3 days the letter has changed. It is now printed in black ink on pastel blue paper. Blue is for Boy right? It took some calling around but, I finally found an organization that counsels Men who are domestic abusers. The counseling phone number has been added to the Letter to An Abusive Brother

The only way to keep my teeth from chattering is to fantasize about cool stickers that say Mystery Mika has a Posse. It is probably really wrong to use a naughty self portrait- or is it? I’m still me. It is okay to be me but it is not okay to be him.

At the end of the day, I am afraid to come home fearing that my abusive neighbor has gotten the HOOD Memo and recognizes the portrait of himself. I’ve decided for safety reasons to make My block the last block in the city that will be covered with the Blue Letters
Even though he may expect that I am watching him- he could never expect something of this magnitude to be stirring around him- about him and his uncontrolled rage. Everyday I am comforted by him. He is always measuring my steps. So I had to do something.

Mystery Mika has a Posse.

A special shout out to Dan’s Breakfast Club- without you guys, I would not be able to do any of this! You Men Rock and I love You.

Sometimes when I see her she is just sitting on the porch staring off into a daze. She avoids looking at me if he is sitting close by. Other times when she alone she is sobbing silent tears. The next time I’m going to hug her.

How many of you reading this know of a person that this is happening to? On Sunday I meant a High School Principal who told me that young boys are beating up their girlfriends very frequently inside of her School. Why is this so widespread? Are you willing to do something?

Find out where men can get help in your area. Copy the letter and start passing it around.

I am desperate for the Violence to stop- people are always complaining about the war in Iraq. How about doing something to end the battles on our streets and in our homes!

Threats take many forms

#1. The guy is always sitting on the front stoop with his friends who are wearing band-aids in various places. I need to pass his crowd whenever I enter my apartment. He seems to know that I have something up my sleeve.

2. Lately I have made attempts to slip the young lady a tiny slip of paper that has the phone numbers of shelters that she can go to but he is always watching- even when he is sitting on the next door neighbor’s porch- he is watching… if I get too close to her, he comes into range and he stands and watches us.

3. Last night I did something very bold- it was instinct, I didn’t think long about it I just decided to say more than two words to her. From across the street as I walked my dogs past where she was sitting on the porch I shouted: Girl llllllllllll! How you doing? You know, I’ve been thinking about you allllllllllllllll night!

She responded with a shy smile. For the first time since I meant her she looked barely 21. She swung her legs with excitement as if to say: Finally somebody cares.

We are so different, I am twice age but she usually looks hallow. The whites of her eyes are always muddy from the heat that bottled up when your spirit is in hiding.

Let’s end this. I’m going to bed it is 2:39 am.

When I wake up I’m going to eat blue cupcakes and write to Diablo on her blog asking her if she would like to mud wrestle.

Good Night.

HOOD Memo- the Day After

24 09 2007

Yeah I’m still here. No, this Blog is not turning into some ‘mommyblog’ like Diablo Cody’s Pussy Ranch blog. For one thing I’m not famous yet. For another Domestic Violence is a Showgirl Issue too. I urge all Showgirls to pick a fight and jump in. Involve yourselves in some form of community outreach that helps battered women.

Domestic Violence seeps into all communities not just Chicago’s west side. There are women on the Gold Coast getting their asses beat too.

Consensual Role Play is not the same as Domestic Violence and should not be confused with the Sexy Games that grown people play.

People who don’t know anything about leather, vinyl, latex, water sports, corporal punishment, bondage, role reversal, fetishes and body worship may quickly jump to conclusions.

S and M Lifestyle are exploring their issues within the boundaries of their themes where as Domestic Abusers are lashing out without control or regard for the other person’s wishes or safety. We have completely different experiences.

It is my responsibility to talk about Domestic Violence and a draw a harsh line between the two because we don’t need anyone getting the wrong idea.

The age of consent for having sex in Illinois is 17.

Mystery Mika’s quote of the Day: Sex is a multi- layered way of engaging with another person. When it goes right, you have blissful happiness when it goes wrong it can get terribly painful and violent.

I don’t know what these High Schools call themselves teaching in regards to Sex Education but from what I see in the streets it is not working. The lessons are not helping young people have healthy relationships.

This concerns all of us because the violence spills out onto the street where folks with good sense are attempting to go about their lives.

Margaret Mead Quote of the Day: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

So Now we have a Mika’s Showgirl lesson to spread because my Cadettes are taught to address the Big picture.

Feel free to adopt my letter to an Abusive Brother (Sunday’s post) make it your own by adding your special quote of the day that maintains the spirit and tone of the letter.

Make 100 copies Showgirls and hand them out a Churches, High Schools and Street Corners where guys hang out.

My Sunday morning of passing the letter out was transformational. My children and I went to 30 different churches to leave our message. I had no idea on what was going to happen. I figured that the Church Mothers would be most responsive to my son’s voice. So I sent him in dressed in a button down collared shirt and a single letter printed on white paper.

The over half of the ushers came outside to see where the boy had come from.

I wore a black and white, lace print, J. Crew, below the knee dress with a collar of pearls tight at my neck. Nuri at the Salon just gave me a fresh perm on Friday so my hair very neat and bone straight.

This look really didn’t match the white puma’s and white socks on my feet but I needed comfort to hop in and out of the car. Besides I only got out to hand the letter to men and boys hanging out on the street corners.

When I got out of my car, I smiled and asked: Who’s the Boss?

The guys were shocked.

Nobody ever wanted to claim being the boss. So I would ‘once over’ the crowd again to see what person was attempting the hardest to look like he had no control over the guys.

Sometimes, as I stood, it was like a face off- for the Boss to step forward. In one instance a guy stepped up to me- Big as hell! His facial hair was very well groomed like he had just got out of the barber’s chair. He said: let me see what you got here… and took my simple letter.

I was amazed as to how many men read the letter.

One man standing in front of a church said- you got heart.

So Cadettes this is Mystery Mika’s Stand up against Domestic Violence Week.

Today I am going to High Schools, street corners and barber shops.

I am printing 40 letters today. It took 2hours yesterday to pass out 30.

Have at it Ladies.