Some Mother sulking BITCH

16 02 2008

Dear Diary,

I am a two bit stripper and this entry is part of my stripper blog. I shouldn’t be telling you any of this.

You know that you are getting someplace when you look around and you suddenly have a ton of haters. I’ve gotten more than a few hits from people looking to read a rant from a Diablo Cody hater.

Sorry that’s my girl! Mystery Mika has nothing but love for Diablo.

Gee wiz, Mystery Mika hasn’t even gotten a movie deal yet. Already a larger than life playa hater scene has exploded in my dressing room. It was almost a girl fight last night. My back was up against the mirror.

The competition does not like it when they can’t keep up.

The woman who was nipping at my mere existence was more than twice my size, ANGRY and intoxicated!

The only way I could possibly have won a fist fight with her is by wearing full battle gear and slapping her in a bob wire straight jacket.

Diana‘ no I can’t call her that because that was Wonder Woman’s name.

Mystery Mika loves Wonder Woman.

ok. let me call her, Ruby. No that’s my dog’s name- I don’t want to insult my pooch.

How does Houndstooth sound? That should will give you a good idea of how well she was able to weld her nasty charm and spit sucking grin. She had no empathy for the fact that I’d recently been to the dentist. Grown men don’t like the dentist.

check out this Comfortably Sedated Video- yet another youtube link

Her eyes became bulging sockets. A destructive icy blue tornado swirled. (oops, that was her idea of eye shadow)

It wanted to touch down on me. Envelope me and erase me. She was desperate to keep me off of the floor. She was furious at how her regulars peeked at me when she was attempting to get their undivided attention.

The scary part is that I am not exaggerating.

Houndstooth: ‘You suck Mika. f—K you Mika and your damn cookies.’

Mika: ummmmm, sounds like you are mad because you aren’t sucking me.

(I still thought she was joking)

Houndstooth: You’re old, Mika. Your body may be thin- but your face looks old. It’s sagging. Your face is sunken and old. Other people aren’t going to tell you that- but me, I’m you’re friend. I’ll tell you!

Mika: you’re not my friend and you might as well shut up because you can’t convince me of that.

She was shouting her words through barely opened yellow teeth.

I’ve never noticed what big teeth she has.

In Houndstooth defense, she is right to feel put off by me, I’ve never respected her work character. She is loud and pushy. Somehow people always KNOW when I’m only tolerating them. It always blows up in my face.

I’ve always tried be pleasant to her until that one day about six weeks ago when I had a toothache from dental work.

NOT ME but it is equally as gruesome:

I asked her to stop jumping (and being so loud) or leave the dressing room that is really a broom closet… so that people who were actually trying to get ready for the floor could do so.

Apparently she has been mad ever since.

Even though a few days after the ‘incident’ we talked about it. She had said that I’d hurt her feelings by asking her to leave. I did apologize and I explained that I’d had dental work done that day and the motrin hadn’t kicked in yet.

We were so close in the dressing room that I was afraid she was going to step on me.

Her toe nails long and discolored with chipped red nail polish on every other toe.

Some people are impossible to reason with. I’ve always suspected that about her nature. I’ve heard her bark at customers when disappointed by her tip.

Telling her that I didn’t want her to step on me did not make her feel any better.

I might as well of said that she was a like bull in a china shop.

She became very defensive and said that she wasn’t drunk and would not have stepped on me.

She never became rational. Instead she used ever bully strategy that she could think of.

Finally I shut up and let her rage off.

Two other ladies were in the dressing room- one was close enough to her size to knock her out. But I was seated on her lap. Eating a sandwich. The other was a bit smaller but did a good job of putting a bit a distance between me and her. Just so I’d had enough time to adjust for battle.

Mentally I was stuck on the fact that my hands were so greasy that I couldn’t imagine getting a firm grip on a glass or beer bottle.

I was trying to decide what part of my body was I going to sacrifice to defend myself. My legs were under the counter. Any movement might be taken as a first move. I didn’t want to start the fight by simply freeing up my legs.

The smaller one tried to hold her back as I sat calmly on the other’s ladies lap.

The only thing we could do is not show any fear.

My girlfriend whose lap I was on said- naw let her go. You can’t hold her back. If she wants to get over here- she’s coming. Let ‘ha’ come.

and then Houndstooth said: you better get her off your lap!

My girlfriend said: naw Mika ain’t going no where.My baby gonna stay right here. If you gonna do something, come on over here and do it.

I squinted my eyes as I starred her directly in her face and made my plan in case she actually decided to make good on her threats to slam me into the window.

My girlfriend said: ain’t even no window in here! You better go on.

That’s when Houndstooth started talking about my cookies and goodie tray.

Like a fool- I said: I ain’t never liked you.

She called me every bitch she could think of.

The fact that she could not read my body language or see the whites of my eyes made her uncertain of what I might have in my boot.

Stop squinting at me like you are looking at the Sun! Was the last thing that she said. It was awful. I was so shocked that she had gone off like that. So now I guess I gotta watch out for her.

That’s the sort of out burst a girl who gets a lot of attention has to be prepared for when working in a club. I’m sure it ain’t over. Damn.

Women can be vicious.

Lick My Porno Cookie Vagina!

27 01 2008


Hiya Cadettes,

Day 2 of walking with the Porno Cookie Goodie Tray went very well. When I say well I mean the girls had fun and the guys had fun watching the girls have fun.

The biggest hit was the cookies shaped like Vaginae. I formed fat vaginae, wide open vaginae, big clit vaginae and floppy lip vaginae.

Blooming artistically with vagina sculpture, I will revisit Georgia O’keefe and study how that painter made eloquent creases and folds.

Even men who are horned out often refer to a pussy as a flower.

Some flowering vagina cookies will be nude for those that request that I not roll their porno cookie in powdered sugar.

The best thing about the Goodie Tray is that it speaks for itself.

The delicate, crispy, miniature, organic shapes assist the ladies who have a difficult time starting a conversation.

All the lady needs to do is grab a cookie and start licking. The flicking of the tongue is intuitive.

I noticed that each dancer had a unique lick pace-I assumed that she was licking my cookie at the speed that she liked to be stroked for pleasure.

The entire experience made a snowy afternoon more intriguing…

until we ran out of Vagina Cookies

The Cock and Ball Cookies were not as much fun.

Perhaps the men should lick those?
For now, it seems as though I’ve found a G spot.

Momma has finally figured out how to get the naughty dancers to do some real performance.

The new Mika Vagina dialogue was like sketchy word jazz. Only the vets knew exactly how and when to stop licking and add robust words that grabbed the customer’s imagination.

One girl exclaimed: I ate cooochie today for the first time!

A guy sitting on a bar stool said with a genuine grin : And we all watched!

The club atmosphere is better for everyone when the ladies put their creativity to use to express themselves sexually.

It is a team effort. Now buy a t shirt so that I can get some more Sugar to lightly dust my fat vagina cookie. If you purchase 5 items from the store leave your comment with this post and I will contact you and send you an autographed print of the above line drawing for FREE!

Click here to see what naughty things are in my store… ah here’s something fun from Soul Sacrifice

Pawing Strippers

17 12 2007


After licking my wounds from yet another Internet censorship- Mystery Mika is up for the challenge of discussing a deep, throbbing Stripper Issue- TOUCHING.

Women who don’t dance wonder with goose bumps how we do it- that is how do we ‘bed dance’, ‘wall dance’, ‘lap dance’, ‘pole dance’ for men we hardly know in front of other people we hardly know.

Some married women don’t even feel comfortable with their husbands touching them- which doesn’t mean that they would make horrible strippers.

The defining protective bubble is all in your mind. The one thing about dancing is that if you don’t like how one guy is treating you- in most cases you may be able to excuse yourself and wait until a gentleman that suits you walks through the door.

First let’s laugh out loud at how the paw laws vary from state to state. For those of us who actually move around, it can become very confusing trying to remember what is allowed when and where.

The object on the game from the dancer’s perspective is to make our customers as happy with us as possible thereby earning the most tips available without going insane.

It is one thing to put ourselves on display and yet another to get touched all over.

#1.Get into Character distancing yourself from your Stripper Within

#2. Stay in Character all night- this is called performance

#3. Remember that the role you play at work in the club is not you.

I do not recommend drugs and alcohol- if you need to be drunk in order to dance then you are in the WRONG business.

Getting into character means bringing in a new ego with a different set of boundaries- Real actresses do it every time they get in front of the camera. It is the same thing for stripping. Except for the HOT leading man part, of course.

So Now that you are in the club and have on your costume you are ‘Patty the Entertainer’ not Sue the girl next door. You must believe it and be able to walk in and out of it at will- not someone else’s will. You must have full control of your mind and body. You must stick to your designed boundary laws no matter how much you want to make money.

If it is your first time in a particular club, it is a good idea to watch the floor and stage as the other women work the crowd. Watch what is being done, and pay attention to the rules that are actually followed. Decide from jump street what your comfort range is. Realize that some days are not going to end with walking out the door with cash because you don’t lower your standards.

Early in my career I devised a way around getting touched because it gets annoying when men who don’t know what the hell they are doing try to ‘help’ you out by touching within the erogenous zone.

Let me say this- women don’t need help getting off, most of us don’t go to work hoping to get off nor do we want dirty little fingers in our pussies. It is not helpful and I’d rather be walking my dogs.

Men fantasize that women like being touched to make themselves feel better for touching.

I don’t mind touching by wall dancing and lap dancing as much as I mind getting touched.

Mika is famous for rendering men helpless by beating them at their own game. I have formulated a chair massage that is for entertainment purposes only- my rub relaxes men.

The human body has various pressure points. Most men have sore joints and tight neglected muscles from working hard or sitting all day.

Naughty Nurse Mika addresses these male stress points so well that men crave it, return for it and are too busy getting it to worry about touching me.

Thank God.

Thank God I have found something to offer to keep ’em satisfied and coming back.

I took 250 hours of massage therapy classes 15 years ago and used to be a Nurse Technician before Sarcoidosis hit me. I am familiar with human anatomy and scope of practice.

I keep my chair rub down simple and fun. Nothing fancy or therapeutic.

When a man comes into a strip bar- he’s looking for quality company. The best way to give him that is not by allowing him to grab and grope but to ease his mind.

Think about that Cadettes.

Twitter’s Foulbastard #1

13 12 2007


My Dearest Cadettes,

Hope this letter from Twitterverse finds you all doing very well. I am enjoying my sabbatical. It is refreshing to meet new tech geeks and social networking avatars.

Mystery Mika has been following the lyrical cartwheels of Foulbastard on Twitter who is trademarked- which makes us all feel as though we are getting a quality product.

Perhaps Foulbitch is still available.

Recently Foulbastard conducted a Twitterverse Poll: Do you like porn and if so what type?

I have no idea of the exact number of twitters that responded- Foulbastard gets around.

However I sniffed the doghouse this afternoon for the highlights.

According to Twitter’s Foulbastard ‘girl on girl‘ and ‘dirty as hell‘ porn won out.


Given the amount of traffic on my Mika’s Girlfriend post, Mystery Mika is not surprised.

Even in terms of erotic dancing, I’ve noticed that men like it when two girls pair up. It is a turn on for men to watch ladies who like each other A Lot in action.

Part of the turn on, I believe is that the man believes that if he watches carefully he might become a better lover to a woman. In other words women know what women like. A man that can add that knowledge may get more bed action.

Most men are always trying to find ways to get more sex out of their partners.

Dirty as Hell is the winner from the other side of the tracks and is shear fantasy. Dirty as hell means fuck anywhere, any hole at any time.

Men are very accustomed to hearing excuses: baby not tonight, not while the children are in the house, I’m tired, I’m sore etc.

Men need to control themselves in public places and on the job. I believe that watching dirty as hell porn is an escape and men burn off that sexual steam while doing so.

The only thing that could come close to such a release would be to do some extreme cardiovascular workout. But who in the Hell wants to do that?

Mystery Mika’s response to Foulbastard quiz sent some of my followers to the door- but as far as I’m concerned let the door hit em where the Good Lord split ’em. I honestly think that Soap Operas a women version of Porn.

Even though women are forced to be more practical we also long for escape. In most cases our fantasies surround being freed from our position in society or our household financial situation. In the soaps women have control and have net worth based on their beauty, charm or ability to scheme. If it was that easy to get our bills paid we would all be smiling from ear to ear.

Speaking of ears, Foulbastard told me that it was just plain ridiculous of me to even think of a man that listens. That’s why watching soaps goes so well with masturbation- but then that will have to wait for my next letter.

To get more inside of our heads catch the RSS on

Back Fetish

30 08 2007

Here’s a better picture of my back for all of those fetish folks


Sexy is On

27 08 2007

Mirror Mirror on the wall



Help me put Mika’s Sexy On


So much for painting- it is time to live inside the reflection

What’s it like? The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

I’ll be at Bobby’s Bar on Manheim Road in Melrose Park, Illinois all week from 6  in the evenings- come on by and have a cocktail with Mystery Mika!

Strawberri Super Starr

20 08 2007


My obsession with hot Asian women started in High School and peaked on the streets of San Francisco. Tonight I am going to begin my painting based on my first Asian heart throb, Strawberri Superstarr.

This little sexy cartoon chick (thumbnail) was done with the assistance of my Graphic Guru. He attempted to convince me that drawing on the computer could be faster than painting with oil sticks and linseed oil. Talk about a pain in the ass!

When painting, time escapes me. My subject is getting into all types of trouble in my dirty mind. I love stretching the personality of my muse over canvas. Tonight this line babe will find new life on a 16×20 primed cloth.

The odd pink color has to go! I must stay strict with my palette- every painting must tie in with Toulouse- Lautrec.

Love you all!