Twitter’s Foulbastard #1

13 12 2007

istock_000000183445_l1.jpg

My Dearest Cadettes,

Hope this letter from Twitterverse finds you all doing very well. I am enjoying my sabbatical. It is refreshing to meet new tech geeks and social networking avatars.

Mystery Mika has been following the lyrical cartwheels of Foulbastard on Twitter who is trademarked- which makes us all feel as though we are getting a quality product.

Perhaps Foulbitch is still available.

Recently Foulbastard conducted a Twitterverse Poll: Do you like porn and if so what type?

I have no idea of the exact number of twitters that responded- Foulbastard gets around.

However I sniffed the doghouse this afternoon for the highlights.

According to Twitter’s Foulbastard ‘girl on girl‘ and ‘dirty as hell‘ porn won out.

istock_000000282711_l1.jpg

Given the amount of traffic on my Mika’s Girlfriend post, Mystery Mika is not surprised.

Even in terms of erotic dancing, I’ve noticed that men like it when two girls pair up. It is a turn on for men to watch ladies who like each other A Lot in action.

Part of the turn on, I believe is that the man believes that if he watches carefully he might become a better lover to a woman. In other words women know what women like. A man that can add that knowledge may get more bed action.

Most men are always trying to find ways to get more sex out of their partners.

Dirty as Hell is the winner from the other side of the tracks and is shear fantasy. Dirty as hell means fuck anywhere, any hole at any time.

Men are very accustomed to hearing excuses: baby not tonight, not while the children are in the house, I’m tired, I’m sore etc.

Men need to control themselves in public places and on the job. I believe that watching dirty as hell porn is an escape and men burn off that sexual steam while doing so.

The only thing that could come close to such a release would be to do some extreme cardiovascular workout. But who in the Hell wants to do that?

Mystery Mika’s response to Foulbastard quiz sent some of my followers to the door- but as far as I’m concerned let the door hit em where the Good Lord split ’em. I honestly think that Soap Operas a women version of Porn.

Even though women are forced to be more practical we also long for escape. In most cases our fantasies surround being freed from our position in society or our household financial situation. In the soaps women have control and have net worth based on their beauty, charm or ability to scheme. If it was that easy to get our bills paid we would all be smiling from ear to ear.

Speaking of ears, Foulbastard told me that it was just plain ridiculous of me to even think of a man that listens. That’s why watching soaps goes so well with masturbation- but then that will have to wait for my next letter.

To get more inside of our heads catch the RSS on Twitter.com





The Miserable Shield

4 09 2007

The number one thing a new stripper chick needs in her bag of tricks is a Miserable Shield. Many of the male patrons arrive with their a poker face on. Don’t mistake this stiff upper lip as an insult because some men like to warm up and look around for awhile before choosing an entertainer to float their boat.

The idea is to remain calm and receptive as you mingle with the crowd. There’s nothing worse than a whinny stripper. If you sit with a sagging lip, you are almost guaranteed to make nothing.
Money is very tight these days. Gas prices are still high. Every body and their grannie is a wanna be stripper out here trying to hump up on some side cash. I never thought that I would see the day that the supply out weighs the demand. I thought stripping was taboo.

Now real nurses are doing it, bus drivers are doing it, cadets are doing it, housewives are doing it, landlords are even taking up the catwalk strut.

What ever you do don’t bite into negativity. I always smile and give a positive greeting. If a customer is not interested I go give another girl a hand massage.

It is a definite crowd pleaser.

Happy ladies enjoying each other company draws a big smile out of the most depressed man.





Back Fetish

30 08 2007

Here’s a better picture of my back for all of those fetish folks

backfetish.jpg





Free Lap dancing Shows for Life and Peace

29 08 2007

A 5 Dance Lap Dance  Coupon is Formally Issued to:

Dr. Dorian Paskowitz, 86 of Hawaii for his gestures toward Peace.

For those of you that didn’t catch the news, Dr. Paskowitz (Doc ) delivered 15 new surf boards to Palestinian Surfer Boys in Gaza.





Get Some Legs- Mika Plays Golf

27 08 2007

One more Man Thing demystified! How many women want to know what the whole golfing for hours is about for a man? Try getting some fresh air and exercise. My arms hurt the next day. I loved it!

golfcart.jpg

We only played 9 holes because I got hungry.

gotswing.jpggotswing.jpg

The next time we will go to the driving range. I could use some practice gripping the shaft just right.

I’ve been told that taking on a real golf course was a big deal for the first time playing golf. I like ’em big!

swing2.jpggolfy.jpg

Get Some Legs Yall!





Pancakes and Porn

22 08 2007

It’s harder and harder out here for a pimp! In Grand Rapids the billboard for the XXXChurch.com is attracting more and more media coverage. It is the absolute perfect gimmick to capture the interest of men with money who want to be publicly humiliated for their short skirt, little thong, big titty appetite.

So many men would rather be voyeurs over their computers than tricks in an alley way. Well maybe they are tricking off just as much by reading, watching and talking about the fact that they like to read and watch porn.

The set up is perfect, the Dominatrix is being replaced by this Gross Minister who I bet can tell the naughty boys all that will happen in this world and the next if they continue on the road that they are on- digesting porn.

I wonder what sort of donations he is getting?

Well I say to the Housewives and Girlfriends offer up your own Porn and Pancake breakfast!

Men love to eat almost as much as they love to F*****k

Dress up for breakfast with your man and let him design his meal.

What can they say to that?

I find that my man mellows over a good home cooked meal.

Comfort food may not move along the colon very fast but it does make a man feel loved and special. Mix that in with a French maid outfit and well all that is left is to pump up the Volume.

Let’s review:

Pancakes – in this case Aunt Jemimah will do, the fluffier the better.

Smile, Nod Yes. Don’t use mealtime to complain and nag.

Now Housewives and Girlfriends you are off to a great start to acting like a Stripper for your man!

ahhhhhh Hell I need to go paint something Naughty. 





Lips and the HOT Kiss

17 08 2007

studysally.jpg

Lips are the ultimate intimate entrance. There’s nothing I hate worse than kissing someone that I don’t know! It is one thing to watch a woman dance but kissing is way way over the line. Just the thought of swapping spit with stranger makes me sick.

Snow White started it and Hollywood sealed the the deal. Somehow they get away with it not being seen as prostitution- even though they get paid to make out with their co stars. But, let one of us try it- Dick Tracey would be slapping the Chanel bracelets on our fishnet ass so quick.

I think about kissin people that I have the real hots for. Perhaps this is why guys at bars try to sneak a kiss in whenever you drop your guard. It is as if they are checking to see if you are only after their money!

‘if she let’s me kiss her, she really likes me!’

WRONG.

If she kisses you, she kisses everybody!

Yuck.

Here’s a news flash… Most times the HOTS are a built up of passion. Passion takes time. Slow down Partner. Men expect that if they wag enough money in your face, they don’t need to go to the dentist, drink water or brush their teeth.

Maybe some thirsty desperate ladies don’t mind- especially if they got crap stuck in their teeth too- Together you can make a crusty cake.

Even Ugly Betty brushes.

How about Ugly Bob? No, he’s just rich!

Nasty is still nasty. Love is still love. If you really want a woman to like you, you need to present yourself as best as you can. The bottom line is that you need to be sweet and positive and generous. If you think a girl is taking advantage of you- stop dancing with her! Don’t stop being the best you!

Perhaps I’m just screwed up and should stick to painting lips and imagining steamy kisses when I turn the vibrator on. I hate the fact that nobody feels the need to take their time anymore.

How many housewives miss loving kisses?

Did it seem like he kissed you better before you had kids and you needed him to give up something?

Did he bring home flowers everyday when you were his girlfriend?

Well I am going to paint some satisfied lips. These are the lips of before… before he got you figured out!

I would like to make every pair that I paint different.

The photograph series that I am painting from is about 2 1/2 years old. It is time to ask the same ladies to sit for another round. Some of the ladies have changed, others have stayed pretty much the same.

As time passes women usually define their style and learn to apply make up better. I am so excited to have held on to my muses for so long and to have the divine opportunity to capture different time periods of the same person’s career. It is like watching a garden grow.

If the photo is taken inside the dressing room, most likely I’ve caught the young lady before she has started working and without complete stage make up.

During Monday night’s painting session my memory was at war over the lips. The photographed image that I was working from showed me a different set of lips than I recalled my vixen possessing.

Her dressing room smile is different than the coy Mona Lisa one she sports around the the pool table. She paints on her lips for each show. I’d forgotten what was real until the photograph reminded me.

Well I ended up painting combination. As much as I tried I wasn’t satisfied with what was on the photo. I will do more studies of her – until I exhaust her every angle her every gesture.

While I am at work at the bar, I study the features of my models. I am tolerated because in that atmosphere we as women are allowed to ‘friendly stare’ at each other. Smiles and kisses on the cheek go a long way to display affection- unlike the catty real world.

I promise to paint exactly what is on the photograph- one day. For now I have excused myself from reality because in order for my work to parallel Henri Toulouse- Lautrec- I need to think of my paintings as marque posters.

Ha! Imagine opening up the Gentlemen Pages or the Reader and seeing one of my paintings as the ad.

Not much time for writing these days if I am to get these 10 paintings finished before Around the Coyote begins. Expect the articles to be short and sweet until October.